Festive Frosted Cookie

deprec6Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 300 seconds

Directions: There is a concept of “just deserts” but I can see no justice in this. Only desertion.

 

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Salty Tomato Appetizer

deprec9Serves 1: • Prep Time: 1

Directions: The juiciness of the tomato contrasts with the saltiness of the salt if by “contrast” you mean “intolerably commingle”. In that sense, this dish is much like my romantic history.

 

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Fragrant Plate

deprec5Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 30 minutes

Directions: Place a sponge on a plate. Take two ibuprofen and spray some Pure DKNY in the air. Is this a meal by any stretch of the imagination? No, but my imagination is a panorama of horrific suffering so the absurdity of this situation is a welcome break.

 

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Green Onionette

deprec8Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 2 tablespoons

Directions: Most people would chop a green onion, but sometimes in cooking you need to take risks. This however does not apply to life, in which risks can only spell ruin.

 

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Eggy Potato

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Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 0

Directions: What am I supposed to do with this? They say life is a cosmic joke, but aren’t jokes supposed to be funny? I fail to see the humor.

 

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Vine Dining

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Serves: 1 • Prep Time: -10 minutes

Directions: This recipe called for “tomatoes crushed like my soul”… I can’t even get that part right.

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Doctor’s Orders

photodep3Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 5 minutes

Directions: The last thing I remember is trying to asphyxiate myself in a Ziploc® bag. I woke up in a hospital room starving — fortunately they had this buffet waiting for me. Had to use my pocketknife though, the lock was jammed.

 

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Vibrant Veggietizer

deprec3Serves: the loneliest number • Prep Time: no

Directions: If this looks incredulously bad, consider that the void inside me eclipses the sum total of your life’s darkest moments.

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Nine Lives

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Serves: 1.5 • Prep Time: 20 seconds

Directions: Goddamn it, this is cat food. Why didn’t anyone tell me this was cat food? How am I supposed to know this isn’t some hipster veggie nugget thing? The people I work for are setting me up. They’re out to get me, which is a pretty low bar to set considering I can’t tell the difference between pet food and real food. My shame is matched only by my nausea.

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Toasted Crumb Bake

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Severs: 1 • Prep Time: a burnternity

Directions: Our bodies, sullen factories processing nourishment into waste. So it goes.

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Berry Nice to Know You

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Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 10 minutes

Directions: The stem that once nourished us is dried, broken and useless. We are all rotting from the inside.

 

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Broccoli Son Propre

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Serves: less than 1, if that’s possible • Prep Time: 10 minutes

Description: I’m not on a diet. This is what I deserve.

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