Festive Frosted Cookie

deprec6Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 300 seconds

Directions: There is a concept of “just deserts” but I can see no justice in this. Only desertion.



Salty Tomato Appetizer

deprec9Serves 1: • Prep Time: 1

Directions: The juiciness of the tomato contrasts with the saltiness of the salt if by “contrast” you mean “intolerably commingle”. In that sense, this dish is much like my romantic history.



Fragrant Plate

deprec5Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 30 minutes

Directions: Place a sponge on a plate. Take two ibuprofen and spray some Pure DKNY in the air. Is this a meal by any stretch of the imagination? No, but my imagination is a panorama of horrific suffering so the absurdity of this situation is a welcome break.



Green Onionette

deprec8Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 2 tablespoons

Directions: Most people would chop a green onion, but sometimes in cooking you need to take risks. This however does not apply to life, in which risks can only spell ruin.



Eggy Potato


Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 0

Directions: What am I supposed to do with this? They say life is a cosmic joke, but aren’t jokes supposed to be funny? I fail to see the humor.



Vine Dining


Serves: 1 • Prep Time: -10 minutes

Directions: This recipe called for “tomatoes crushed like my soul”… I can’t even get that part right.


Doctor’s Orders

photodep3Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 5 minutes

Directions: The last thing I remember is trying to asphyxiate myself in a Ziploc® bag. I woke up in a hospital room starving — fortunately they had this buffet waiting for me. Had to use my pocketknife though, the lock was jammed.



Vibrant Veggietizer

deprec3Serves: the loneliest number • Prep Time: no

Directions: If this looks incredulously bad, consider that the void inside me eclipses the sum total of your life’s darkest moments.


Nine Lives



Serves: 1.5 • Prep Time: 20 seconds

Directions: Goddamn it, this is cat food. Why didn’t anyone tell me this was cat food? How am I supposed to know this isn’t some hipster veggie nugget thing? The people I work for are setting me up. They’re out to get me, which is a pretty low bar to set considering I can’t tell the difference between pet food and real food. My shame is matched only by my nausea.


Toasted Crumb Bake



Severs: 1 • Prep Time: a burnternity

Directions: Our bodies, sullen factories processing nourishment into waste. So it goes.


Berry Nice to Know You


Serves: 1 • Prep Time: 10 minutes

Directions: The stem that once nourished us is dried, broken and useless. We are all rotting from the inside.



Broccoli Son Propre


Serves: less than 1, if that’s possible • Prep Time: 10 minutes

Description: I’m not on a diet. This is what I deserve.